work smarter, not harder
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I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
I am patiently waiting for your email
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.