Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
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I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
