Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
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Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Oh hi lol
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Every Adele song is about lasagna.