Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
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Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
I didn’t know they can drive…
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes