Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.

I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries

Hannibal Lector: lady fingers

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.

DATE: Wtf are you doing?

ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.

I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.

Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

*installs google translate*

*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*

*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.

Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?

I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.

Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow

How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…

Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.

#lunchpun

I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!

*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content

-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter