Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
You Might Also Like
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”