Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

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Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…


My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.


“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation


I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.


Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..


“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”


Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.


There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once