Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
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Misunderstandings happen when one person is clearly stupid.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once