WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
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ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*