*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
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If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
you gotta be faster
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
You can’t rush stupid.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.