@stevevsninjas

*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*

You Might Also Like

@YesitsAl

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now

@BuckyIsotope

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.

@DaddyJew

Apparently when your boss asks if you’re on drugs “which drugs?” isn’t the appropriate response. I know this now.

@Playing_Dad

[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail

@pixelatedboat

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

@WilliamAder

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

@StinkyGr33n

🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶

@Kamikaze_Blonde

My husband’s digging what he says is a pond but I’m still thinking about hiding one of those ‘In the event of my death’ letters as a precaution.

@TheTweetOfGod

Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.

@Home_Halfway

Damn girl are you a kids movie from my generation because you’re fun and cute but also horrifying in many ways I didn’t originally realize.