*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*

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Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now


“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.


Apparently when your boss asks if you’re on drugs “which drugs?” isn’t the appropriate response. I know this now.


[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail


I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)


My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.


🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr


My husband’s digging what he says is a pond but I’m still thinking about hiding one of those ‘In the event of my death’ letters as a precaution.


Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.


Damn girl are you a kids movie from my generation because you’re fun and cute but also horrifying in many ways I didn’t originally realize.