*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*

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[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]

“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”


I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.


Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”


Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.


boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars


Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.


Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.


I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*


Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then