@stevevsninjas

*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*

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@UnFitz

[at the office]

Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.

Me: When did it arrive?

Secretary: 1983.

Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.

@jeannerbeaner

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

@Pumpkinbabypie

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

@Divergentmama

“In this household, there are parents trying to get their kids out of the house in the morning. These are their stories.”

Law and Order: Missing Shoe

@Reverend_Scott

God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.

Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.

@hyperblastchic

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

@HollyHeals

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

@poutinesmoothie

I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.

@GinAndJif

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.