*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
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I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
why am I working on Labor Day
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option