@stevevsninjas

*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*

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@WheelTod

[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]

“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”

@better_off_dad

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

@kevinrowe1

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”

@trouteyes

Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.

@JillianKarger

boy: WOLF!

villager: nope, that’s a coyote

boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me

villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars

@Cheeseboy22

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

@BGH70

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

@Reverend_Scott

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

@FatherWithTwins

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then