*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
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*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying