Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks

The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.

Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?

Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.

Wife: I counted 19.

Me: Well I rounded down.

[first date]

HER: i’m really into guys-

ME (eager to impress her): me too

When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.

Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.

Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.

My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium

Employees must applaud the planets.

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk

Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.

Him: How’d you get so cute?

Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.

just leave it at the foot of the bed

95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there

What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?

the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good

my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)

i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.

ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses

no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.

The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet