Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.

It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.

In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.

No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema

“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”

– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now

Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation

Them: and what is this?

Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am

Them: hmmmmm….

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.

Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.

Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.

In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.

A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”

me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava

doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan

gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

Weather app: The dew point is 20.

Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.

so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it

I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live