Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

lawyer: just say you were with a friend

me: ok

[later]
cop: where were you that night?

me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing

I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.

Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!

You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]

THERAPIST: Well?

ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog

[quarantine routine]

7am: woke up

8am: fell out of bed

9am: dragged a comb across my head

10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup

11am: looking up I noticed I was late

12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat

1pm: made tiktoks with my cat

I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.

we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too

Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”

You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.

Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?

My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.

I’m making him my new nutritionist.

I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.

rest in peas

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.

me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:

Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something