Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
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*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Living the best life.. 😊
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
The French word for sex is croissant.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’