Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples

My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft

6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?

Me: um…

6: when plants die can they be ghosts?

Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.

this is the news I live for

Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar

Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while

Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.

funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch

My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.

professor x: whats your superpower

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.

Stranger: nice to meet you

Me: give it time

My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb

when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!

ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glof

no more questions