Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.

moms in horror movies

I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.

wishing you and yours all the best

Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER

The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.

“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?

okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.

My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.

I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up

[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.

[Wonder Woman shows up]

Superman: Is she with you?

Batman: I thought she was with you?

Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.