Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of

Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no

They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.

I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem

me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields

farmer: wtf have you done?!

I think this should do it.

Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.

Me: somebody stole my stapler

HR: you’re working from home

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:

– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf

(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)

You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…

….vocabulary.

To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.

Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.

Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!

My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.