Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

angel 1: what are these?

angel 2: strawberries

angel 1: you forgot the seeds!

angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?

angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside

god: *passing by* ooh nice

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.

this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.

[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”

I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend

Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”

Students:

It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.

Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*

I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.

Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?

4: oh, it’s probably mine.

Me: probably?

I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.

I wanted something with no strings attached.

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working

What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

*reading a children’s book*

That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

A choir of Spring onions

If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…

Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.

just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams

[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate

It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.

We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.