Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon

guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy

guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop

A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.

hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash

me: oh no

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute

Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:

Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste

me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”

That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name

“Donkey”

What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon

My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day

Who else does this 🤦🏽😂

My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.

My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.

5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

doc: so how are you feeling

me: awful

doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.

What’s a second date like?

My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.