Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
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Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Hilarious if literal: arms race
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Growing out my freckles.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.