Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
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Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
car not found
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”