Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.

Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings

Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.

*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*

Him: *Drives away*

Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.

Namaste

english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald

Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.

i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*

Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.

[lying in bed after sex]

Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?

My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.

Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.

Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.

My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.

COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.