working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
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[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
All set.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUGQUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME
THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.