working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
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This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup