Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life

Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?

Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.

Make your daily standup meeting shorter

Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.

Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.

They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”

I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”

I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?

Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: I can change Becky

HER: promise?

ME: into a semi truck

You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.

I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.

The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.

i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii

I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle

*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*

me opening up to someone

Me: This is the worst day of my life.

Her: Really?

Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*

Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.

My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

Muppet Screams

You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary

I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/