Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

I love the honesty

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

[First Date]

Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.

10 year old: What was it like?

Me: What was what like?

10: Being alive in the 1900’s?

Me: Go to your room.

The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.

I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple

Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.

Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.

Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”

My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this

*first day as crime scene investigator*

*Removes sheet covering victim*

*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*

*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*

I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]

“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”

She: I like Cats
He:

Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?

I AM the Illuminati.

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’

~ The monster under my bed

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.

SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt

SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.

SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?

SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches

Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.

my therapist gave me her cell phone number.

and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.

I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.