Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
You Might Also Like
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
life lately
The pen is writier than the sword.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
When news reporters do sports stories
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]