Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
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Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Wolves should really raise more people.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Two types of dogs.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
anyone else’s big brother text them like an unwilling roadman situationship
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.