Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
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Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
