*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
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People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
work smarter, not harder
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
I’m already scared
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
that’s really how it is
per my last wtf
“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.