Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.

oh you like nyc? name every rat

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.

Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me

my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?

[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down

“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.

Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think

Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’

You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.

The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.

My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.

Executioners flirting:

You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

Goodyear: tires

Badyear: 2020

ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?

DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?

Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”

[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]

Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.