*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
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My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.