Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
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Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Man collapsed on the airport luggage carousel. Authorities think he’ll be alright. He’s slowly coming around.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.