Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
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You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.
(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)
(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)
(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
🤣🤣🤣
I love the honesty
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.