Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting

I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now

Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):

– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*

Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”

I said no… OnlyFans

IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”

Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.

[white house staff meeting]

Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*

The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.

Doctor: It doesn’t look good

Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet

Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho

Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp

Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”

The honesty is refreshing