[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
You Might Also Like
Meanwhile in Canada…
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
are they though??
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.