Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.

Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack

This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it

Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

[going to bed]

Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.

[5 AM the next morning]

Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear

me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet

just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh

Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!

Me: Have you ever had an accident?

Her: No, I’m on the pill.

Me: (Sigh)

Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.

I was probably sleep-wokking again.

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*

Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.

Body: here’s another chin

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

Wife: Our daughter lied to me.

Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.

My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles

me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar

balloon animal guy: ok

Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”

drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.

[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.