[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
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[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Plumber: I think I found the problem
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
<—- homeless romantic
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.