Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”

I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”

My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.

“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”

I am an influencer.

If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.

Do better.

i love meeting boys on tinder

My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err

*receives a monthly bill*

didn’t i just pay this last month??

One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.

If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

it’s dangerous to go alone, take this

That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork

My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.

Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.

I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”

You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed

Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

he asked “what are we?” i said we the best

I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay

Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj