Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are

Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s

the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.

Did I just say that out loud?

7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers

2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️

I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me

People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Cinema or bowling

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.

Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT

“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”

~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp

Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on

Me:

Therapist:

Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?

Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…

Me: YES!

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

She might be a genius

Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together

Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.

cyclists

*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly

Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?