*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
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“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
As the Lord intended
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
nobody’s gonna understand
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*