Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going

me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–

King Tut: like a what?

me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum

when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad

[drive thru window]

[apologize to homeowners]

Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?

9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”

And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information

5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉

The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.

started the year single. ending the year single. consistency is key

i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️

Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?

Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.

HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth

I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…

Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

ME: today will be a good day

PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.