[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
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my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house