Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
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The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.