Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
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Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Life is a suicide mission.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?