Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
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you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.