@JohnLyonTweets

Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.

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@envydatropic

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

@Rollmaninoz

*walks into starbucks*

Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!

*has choice of any table*

@SerialFuckup

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

@RichHarris2

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

@Ristolable

First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING

@KalvinMacleod

BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

@AndrewNadeau0

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.

@Ygrene

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

@3sunzzz

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

@Tmoney68

Her: I’m really into eating clean.

Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.