Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
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Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket