Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??

mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse

Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?

B: Please shut up

M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters

The photographer’s assistant

What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?

I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.

If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary

Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter

4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door

me: oh wow that’s silly

4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.

me: wait, what?

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753

-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral

Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler

The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.

[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out

How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.

Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.

Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.

*reads your mind*

*decides to wait for the movie*