Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
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i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve