Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”

Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind

Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.

My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.

They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.

Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶

Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!

Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?

7yo: Not me.

Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.

7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

I stand out like a peanut in a turd.

BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.

Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band