Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

you will never know the true number of layers

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

Burning rubber…

While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

That’s a good costume, I hope.

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

This one, by a wide margin

me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size

wife: is that danny devito

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

Discuss

After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.

there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.

Mensa should be calling any day now.

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula

Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!

if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero

[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”

There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.

[on first date]

I’ll have an iced tea, please.

Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?