Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
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White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Do not steal food from the science building!
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Need this in my life lol
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.