Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
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My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
So, can we agree on 4 or
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
*checks Timeline*…
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that