Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
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You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.