Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

[cleaning the garage]

ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway

12YO: ok which app do I use

ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app

12YO: is it on mom’s phone

ME: no app. push. the. broom.

12YO:

ME:

12YO: so should i download it

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles

Game theory professor: w- what

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

me logging onto twitter

If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.

Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.

As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”

[pumpkin patch]

Cinderella: how many miles on this one?

Farmer: please stop kicking them

10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?

Me:

Me:

Me: That’s exactly what it means.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.

Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?

Me either. That’d be gross.

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.

Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…

Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”

Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”

Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.