Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

“Dude go make the first move on her!”

“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”

*approaches girl*

“Knight to f3”

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.

I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am

Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?

Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case

I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.

Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family

Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet

I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.

My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.

I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…

My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.

*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*

Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.

*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there

BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?

ROBHURT: yeh

Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.

Me: you should join Twitter.

Them: I don’t even like people.

Me: then you’re gonna love it.