Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
You Might Also Like
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Please do it!
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”