[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
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These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
I have written yet another poem about laundry
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.