Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!

Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”

Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did

2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un

1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept

Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”

My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years

If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun

me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life

Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?

The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.

That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:

1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home

STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?

TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.

ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

Website: are you a robot?

Cyborg: *sweating activated*

*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*

*Picks broccoli out while eating it*

People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.

My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*

Me: WHAT DID YOU DO

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours