Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
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(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee