Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
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Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
I like long walks away from everyone
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college