Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
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Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
My patience has stretch marks.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”