Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
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[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
me irl
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
this is what they would have looked like, though
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
That’s fair
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.