[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
You Might Also Like
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?