[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
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[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.