[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
You Might Also Like
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm