Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
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Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
you’re either watching a movie with me or you’re watching a movie against me
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
What legos do when we’re not looking.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*