Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.

Me: Really? Just me?

Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.

Me: I don’t have time for players.

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

[throwing out the baby]

Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

This is my brand.

The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.

Vader: Join the dark side!

Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?

Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.

Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!

PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.

my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing

Hell hath no fury like a woman.

Oh? That’s not the entire expression?

My nickname in high school was “who?”

can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival

Son: am I adopted?

Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.

My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.

I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.

Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.

Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings

genie: are you sure?

me: just do it

*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*

8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?

Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.