Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
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Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
wtf management?!
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Previously On Persistence 😎
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Velcrow
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.
Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”