Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.

the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out

[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

*getting murdered*

wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too

Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.

I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.

I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother

she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”

So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…

*novela book bar*

bartender: let me guess books not booze

him: tequila …

bartender: ’bout time here you go

him: … mockingbird

bartender: there it is

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store

The chart results are in…

My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.