Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
You Might Also Like
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory