[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
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me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
who called it hell and not heaven’t
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
sistine chapel
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face