Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.

#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.

Elba: Bond. James Bond.

Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?

Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap

I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me

Peach Farmer: sure

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free

Peach Farmer: well just hold on now

In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.

While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!

Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille

Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.

My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue

I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”

You need to slow your roll there survey.

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…

Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants

12yo: WHAT

Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..

*Knocks down spider web*

Spider: Rude

*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*

Spider: Unbelievable

“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”

Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?

If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously

HER: yes

ME: yeah right

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor

The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.

Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*

Gandalf: ffs