Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available

When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped

*me

Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!

Me: Sucks for you…

Kid: What?

Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!

ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.

BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-

[wall breaks down]

SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY

BATMAN: No.

Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.

A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.

2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa

me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians

When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.

I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.

Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around

*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”

Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this

[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today

MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger

So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.

We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.

Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others