*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
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My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Flock of bats
Weirdos gonna weird.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.