*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
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Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Help
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
If caterpillars can become a melted sack of goo, and turn it around to become fabulous, so can you
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao