*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
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Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.