*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Good morning
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
